Monthly Archives: October 2011

Why I (Don’t) Want to Be a Wife

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In 1971, Judy Brady’s deadpan, yet tongue-in-cheek Ms. Magazine article “Why I Want a Wife”
articulated the previously ignored roles and responsibilities of
Wives.  In her essay, she enumerates the unpaid emotional and
physical labor within the home that is expected of Wives.  I’m
capitalizing Wife to refer to this specific archetype and call attention
to it as a word, to deconstruct and destabilize it. A Wife, then, is
defined not even by her status as a married woman, but through her
labor.  We could see caregivers, nannies, and cleaning staff as
Wives (or alternate versions of Wives) as well.

When I read Brady’s piece in college, I was impacted by the long list
of duties that she perceived as a Wife’s work. Even my mother, a
product of Second Wave Feminism who works full-time outside of the home and outsourced much of her childcare, performs the role of a Wife.

Brady writes:

“I want a wife who will not bother me with the rambling complaints about a wife’s duties.”

In doing so, she calls attention to the continued silencing of Wives
and of the ways this silencing perpetuates a lack of acknowledgement and
respect for a wife’s labor.  Brady criticizes disposable nature of
a Wife’s labor:

“If by chance I find another person more suitable as a wife than the
wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with
another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will
take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left
free.”

While of course a wife is oppressed in a gender hierarchy of labor,
it would be irresponsible to forget the raced and classed nuances of
Wifehood, the privilege and power also implicit in being a Wife.

So when I found myself unemployed and underemployed for a few months
this past year and I giggled with friends about my life as a housewife,
going to the gym frequently and cooking meals for my family, I was
brought back to Brady’s essay and my privilege in being able to
(jokingly) call myself a Wife.  What did it mean that I, as a
young, upper-middle class, unmarried, White, college-educated woman
living in a rent-free (and in many ways, responsibility-free) situation
without children, was relishing the role of a Wife?

Of course, I was channeling a very specific class of Wife, the type of housewife featured on Bravo’s reality TV shows that
has the privilege to enjoy Wifehood without (it seems), much of the
domestic labor responsibilities of a Wife.  Of course, I do not
want to be a Wife, politically, as a feminist. But my days of
(f)unemployment and my lapse into “Wifehood” reminded me of my
privileges: my privilege to potentially adopt a Wifehood on my own terms
(and to envision being a Wife as a type of vacation), as well as my
privilege as a White woman with a college education and without children
to almost guarantee myself that Wifehood is not in my future.

I do not want Wives to be positions of unexplainable and inescapable unhappiness, as in the case of The Feminine Mystique.
I do not want Wives to be equated with unappreciated labor that
includes child rearing, cooking, laundry, keeping house, and always
associated with a female body. I want to work to understand and unpack
my own privileges as I enter adulthood and flirt with Wifehood and try
to re-imagine what family relationships and division of labor might look
like, especially in queer relationships where gendered divisions aren’t
always as clear. I do not want to be a Wife, at least not with a
capital “W”.

On Expression: An Interview With Esme Rodriguez

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Esme Rodriguez was my professor for two semesters
in the Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies department, teaching  a
class on Trans & Intersex Studies and one on gender in Hispanic
literature.  Our paths also crossed on weekends when she would
perform at college events and on stages at The Townhouse and Bryant Lake
Bowl…
ES: How would you describe your occupation, your vocation?
ER: My name is Esmé Rodríguez and I am a queer drag queen, artist,
activist, and educator, originally from NYC and now based in
Minneapolis, MN.  I am a queer-identified person of mixed
backgrounds.  I attended Boston College for my Masters degree and
did my PhD work at The University of Minnesota, Minneapolis.  I
teach Gender and Performance Studies and am currently the Director of
“Esmé’s Traveling Gender Show and Tell.”  For this, I am hired to
bring a group of interesting drag performers to various colleges and
universities, where we have an open forum discussion about gender
identities, drag performance as a fine art, and personal experiences on
and off stage with the intersections of race, class, ethnicity, ableism,
gender, etc.  I also co-produced a documentary film titled
“Genderf*kation: A Gender Emancipation,” which highlights the stories
and accomplishments of six non-traditionally gendered individuals. 
I am currently looking for work in the non-profit arts sector.
ES: What are some of your identities, social or otherwise, that are important to you? 
ER: Above all, I am a human being.  Secondly, I am a queer,
boi/gurl drag queen.  I believe that integrity is the most
important of my values.  To me, that means always being who I am,
even in the face of adversity.  Every person has the right to self
identify, share their story, and deserves respect (unless they do
purposeful harm to others, then they will lose my respect.)  There
is so much beauty in the world and in other people.  We must simply
focus on that instead of getting caught up in trite dramatics or
materialistic ideologies.  I hope that others see me as an
intelligent and compassionate person.  I think that we are all
teachers and students throughout our lives.  I never want to live a
day without learning something new.
ES: What is your creative process like?
ER: I often match a feeling with a song and then create a costume
around the intersections of lyrics and emotionality.  At times, I
rely on my pieces to serve as cathartic measures, and at other times, I
aim to challenge myself and the expectations of my audiences.  I
feel most alive when I am able to create something that feels as if it
ephemerally stands outside of the constructions of masculinities and
femininities.  I love to dwell in possibility spaces, and that is
what drag allows me to create.
ES: Be honest: how did you learn to be such a wizard with
makeup and with costume creating?  Did you watch a lot of YouTube
tutorials?
Laughs. I have never watched a “Youtube makeup
tutorial.”  When I started doing drag about 11 years ago, my drag
mother, Morgan Chancellor and drag auntie, JoJo Mackie saw me at a
bar.  They told me that I had a lot of potential as a performer,
but that I needed to go practice my makeup skills with them.  (I
looked like a blue eye shadow train wreck!  laughs.) 
From Morgan, I learned about stage makeup, shading, and shadowing; ways
to make the angles of my face look different.  Then, as the years
went on, I experimented more and went much more extreme in my
makeup.  My style is a hat-tip to Kabuki Theater and the über
amplified San Francisco style of drag.  The costuming is all dreamt
up in the craziness of my mind and then drawn out and constructed.
ES: Is there a drag performer who has most influenced you?  If so, who?
ER: My creative influences, or muses, if you will, might be
surprising.  Perhaps drag performers, perhaps a combination of
gender artists and drag; I have been influenced by Mae West, Leigh
Bowery, Freddie Mercury, and Gaga (of course.)  Mae West was
unapologetically herself- she was a pioneer and a shrewd business
person.  Leigh Bowery was a designer/performer who pushed the
boundaries of body amplification, costuming, and
pattern.    If I had to pick one specifically current
drag queen performer who has influenced me, I would have to say Layla
LaRue who resides in Texas.  Watching her many years ago, I prized
not only her grace, but also her graciousness and strength in
performance and presentation. Additionally, the Drag Queens of San
Francisco act as ongoing influences in my life.  They are fiercely
incredible individuals/artists with whom I watch and interact. I am very
lucky to be able to perform with them on a yearly basis and cannot wait
until my next trip to The Bay Area!
ES: Is there a theorist who has most influenced you?  If so, who?
ER: I believe that drag is not merely a subject area of study, but
also a living presence, on and off stage, that creates theory in
itself.  When I began to study and write about gender theory, Kate
Bornstein was a prominent influence.  Since then, the academic work
of Carol Queen has caught my interest.  And even though I hate to
say it, Butler’s work crosses my mind quite frequently.
ES: What word or piece of advice do you live by (at the moment)?
ER: “Expression.”  In order to enact positive social change,
it must not be stifled.  I have long since let go of people and
situations, which were fueled by jealousy, negativity, or
close-mindedness.  At times, the path has seemed a long, uncertain,
and lonely journey.  But in the end, I will savor the fact that my
courage, integrity, and expression were mine, and mine alone.

michele bachmann: saving america’s children from pimps and perverts

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on friday night, as i was glancing over the front page of the new york times’ website, i noticed way down in the corner what looked like a brief article from their political caucus blog called, “warm reception for bachmann at values conference.”

the article was indeed short, as i intend to keep this blog to be,
but there were a few things i thought were just too good not to point
out.

a.) her crowd come on:

i love you, too!” she said as she took the lectern to
enthusiastic cheers. “and besides that, you’re all good-looking, so
we’re all good friends.

seriously, if this was taken out of context, i would swear it was from the keynote speech at a swinger’s and/or kink convention.

b.) the titles of the “information sessions” at the values conference:

speaking at a conference featuring information sessions with
names like “saving america’s children from pimps and perverts” and
“exposing and defunding planned parenthood, america’s abortion giant,”
mrs. bachmann, the tea party darling, knew her audience well.

you are not saving anyone’s children from anything, michele. in fact,
the glbtq youth of your own district are killing themselves and living
in hell because of your hatred and intolerance.  i know i would
probably fall under your definition of a pervert, yet i do not think
that america’s children need saving from me. i think that they need
saving from your plan to rob them of a quality public education
(including a glbtq-inclusive, comprehensive sex education) not to
mention your intentions to drive this country and all of our futures
into the ground.

c) her pandering (even for pandering) is transparent and pathetic:

she emphasized her commitment to the pro-life movement, saying
she had introduced the “heartbeat informed consent act” in congress on
thursday to require mothers considering abortion to hear the fetus’s
heartbeat.

(insert pro-choice rant here)

wow.  introducing this bill the fucking day before a values conference.

subtle.

An Unexpected Encounter at the Dry Cleaners

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I was recently in a wedding, and being who I am, of course
spilled bruschetta across the skirt of my dress. The dress is silk so I
tried to get it over to the dry cleaners fast, hopeful that they could
get the stain out.

A few weeks later I went back in to the dry cleaners to pick up my dress.

The guy behind the counter takes my name and comes back a minute
later with my green dress. “That’s a pretty dress, were you in a
wedding?” He asks.

“I was.” I say, “It was fun.”

“Were you the maid of honor or a bridesmaid?” he asks.

“Oh, I was on the groom’s side. So I was technically a groomsmaid.” I
say. At this point I’m expecting him to just say, “Oh great.” and run
my card or maybe laugh at the word “groomsmaid” because he hasn’t heard
it before. But instead we have this conversation.

“Oh, wow. that’s … unexepected,” he says, “It’s just unexpected, you
know? My mom always says to me that it’s ok if people are gay, but it’s
just so…unexpected.” He starts to look uncomfortable.

“Ok.” I say, trying to hand him my card and convey both my disagreement and my desire to stop talking to him with a single word.

“I mean, think about it,” he continues, “Like one day, you come home
and you’re just expecting things to be how they are, and instead your
house has been robbed and it’s trashed, totally unexpectedly messed up.”

“I hope the idea of a groomsmaid is less disturbing to you than your house getting broken into,” I say.

In the awkward silence that follows, it seems pretty clear that he
would rather have his house broken into than contemplate the idea of any
sort of gender transgression. He runs my card and I consider whether or
not I will return to this same dry cleaners again.

When I get the dress home there is a note inside the garment bag that
apologizes for being unable to remove the stain from my dress without
damaging the fabric. Maybe he could’ve mentioned that instead of how
much he is disturbed by deviations from the gender binary?

What struck me about this whole interaction was how incredibly
perturbed this person was by the idea of me standing up on the groom’s
side. If he judged by the dress, I was conforming to my gender, so it
was just the idea of a man having female friends standing up for him at a
wedding that flipped him out so bad he went into a downward spiral
about gay people and property destruction.

I hate having these kinds of interactions. It makes me feel like
there’s a big part of the world that has a deep, underlying hate for
what is different. Even without generalizing dramatically to what the
world thinks, it baffles me to think how we can live harmoniously with
people who think this way. Obviously people like him aren’t interested
in getting along if they’re so afraid of us they would prefer their
belongings ransacked to interacting with people who are “unexpected”.

Maybe the answer has nothing to do with getting along and we’re on
course for a big fat culture war. Just imagine if some queer with
non-conforming gender broke into that guy’s house. Now that would be
“unexpected”.